In which Cort and Bobby evaluate the chances of an NFL football team moving into their beardy little city; NASA starts planning an expedition to enjoy some water sports on Jupiter; Vladimir Putin gives the a really lame excuse for crashing a rager; Turns out John Carpenter’s The Thing might be a documentary after all; The SATs are finally getting an overhaul; Jesus walking on water was nothing compared to the miracle that is saving Radio Shack; and a tale of Oscar snubbery turns into a Spider-Man and Batkid adventure in Disneyland – co-starring a massively baked Han Solo.
In which Cort and Bobby chase a late-night rabbit down a hole of guitars and Lego bricks; The Earth gets 721 new chances to make friends with some new neighbors; John Kerry makes an unfortunate choice in analogy, but not as unfortunate as some government officials’ choice in nostalgia; Babies might be the healthiest humans on the planet since they’re unable to order Waffle Tacos on their own; The country that created Big Brother finally gets around to spying on their own citizens on a major scale, and Arizona does the right thing for once – just for all the wrong reasons.
In which Cort and Bobby discuss the transformative properties of the common cold, and the stubborn silliness of a certain segment of fandom; Georgia embarrasses itself on the rear-end of its cars, and Kansas embarrasses itself on the rear-end of its children; Iran has a passive-aggressive take on nuclear negotiations; Harvard thought Avatar would be cooler if it starred monkeys instead of Thundersmurfs; NBC can’t seem to pick a side when it comes to people at the Olympics crying on camera; Congress loses a brilliant mind at precisely the wrong time; Oregon sets down the controller and walks away from the NES, and Washington and Colorado prove what every dope dealer’s already known since the first dimebag got sold – there’s a lot of money to be made in selling stoners their sacks.
In Which Cort and Bobby celebrate the holiday of love by declaring their befuddlement at a very specific kind of love, a love that includes basketball playing rabbits among other things; The week begins and ends with some uncouth bigotry from both the NFL and the state of Kansas, and the meat sandwiched between those two slices of white bread includes Comcast establishing itself as the first of three Orwellian Superstates; Two examples of Laser usage, one really awesome and one really stupid; The Lego Movie somehow got accused of being anti-corporate; and the NRA is standing up for the rights of children everywhere to make weapons out of cheap pastry if they so wish.
In which Cort and Bobby find themselves at a crowded restaurant next to a REALLY angry couple having a REALLY heated fight; Subway has to admit to a secret ingredient you probably don’t wanna chew on; CVS decides to go smoke-free for good; Wendy Davis comes up with a new variation on the Texas Two-Step; Coke catches some backlash for teaching the world to sing in languages other than English; Somehow we live in a world where people are willing to pay to watch George Zimmerman box an old rapper; America figures out how to turn some positive stats into a grenade fight; and we explain why it’s always a good idea to let a number you don’t recognize go straight to voicemail.
In which Cort and Bobby rage against the pound of flesh demanded by every shoe manufacturer in the history of foot science; Utah says sorry for slapping food off a little kids plate while Georgia apologizes for letting less than three inches of snow cause total chaos in Atlanta; The NCAA faces the possibility of a players union organizing, while the NFL faces the possibility of smoking a joint on the sidelines as a legitimate treatment for ankle sprains; A goombah representative gets caught on camera; America can’t keep up in a bandwidth footrace with the rest of the world; and the real reason modern religion has a problem with Harry Potter is revealed thanks to Pope John Paul II’s stolen blood.
In Which Cort and Bobby re-evaluate their home-invasion preparedness checklist and note a gaping hole in their plans; The entire country gets distracted by a dogwhistle and misplaces their collective perspective; the Pope makes an interesting declaration regarding the Internet; Glenn Beck earns a late pass with a lame apology; The US Military gives that whole “freedom of speech” thing a try; The Republican party starts to rethink their ideas about financial redistribution; Russia spends 50 billion on an Olympics that doesn’t even have snow, and two traditions – one really silly, one really, REALLY stupid – unfortunately make their way into 2014
In which Cort and Bobby are forced to make a terrible decision by an omniscient entity from the cosmos, and then they do some news, with stories including Redneck Jedi upset at Jim Beam learning firsthand how enjoyable Suntory Times are; Rep. Louie Gohmert drags up some of the worst arguments of Bobby’s high-school debate career; Ohio manages a dark mark in their history almost as bad as the one time they set a river on fire; The NFL has a settlement overturned because it wasn’t punitive enough; The future of law enforcement includes “biobullets”, Net Neutrality took a shot to the jaw thanks to the FCC’s incompetence, and China took a step closer to equality via the power of Benedict Cumberbatch slash fiction.
Cort and Bobby are back and bloated; the trip across the border from 2013 to 2014 has damaged them a little bit, but their brains still work – kinda. Well enough to know the difference between “Emo” and “Infected by an Alien Parasite”; to know that even IF there’s a Velveeta shortage, there’s still REAL cheese available; That if you can’t even cover up a political scandal involving a highway flagger maybe you shouldn’t even attempt being President; That if you’re going to get in a fight with a diplomat it’s good to know your Harry Potter references; That Juggalos – punchlines that they are – probably don’t deserve to be harassed by the federal governmnet; That Utah homophobes are on the wrong side of history no matter how many stays they get, and Congress probably isn’t really representing you if half of them are millionaires. Welcome Back to That Whole Thing.
Before 2013 disappears into the ether, Cort and Bobby compare holiday parties, and set up an interesting trade between their employers; A bunch of people displayed a fundamental misunderstanding of the First Amendment thanks to a redneck with a TV show; If the robot uprising doesn’t kill us, the antibacterial soap that doesn’t actually kill bacteria is going to; Don’t take a swim in any rivers if you don’t want to get tweeked out and roided up; And a trilogy of stories featuring the world’s Scrooge, Vladimir Putin, tracing an arc of triumph, loss, and redemption, starring the Olympics, his old Prime Minister, Edward Snowden, and last but NEVER least, Brian Boitano. See you guys in 2014, and thanks for listening.