In which Cort and Bobby very helpfully relieve your crushing responsibility of having to comment on tragedies; Governor Scott Walker is maybe the worst Secret Santa that’s ever lived; Los Angeles tries to make feeding people a crime; A Breaking Bad plot happens in real life, and it doesn’t go down as easy as Walter White made it look; Canada picks a fight with Big Cable and Big Cable invokes the spectre of Ben Franklin to fight back; and while everyone was worried about whether Wonder Woman was going to do some pushups (as if that’s the most important aspect of Wonder Woman) people missed out on who WON’T be our next President while Sarah Palin had herself a smirking mouthful of revenge.
In which Cort and Bobby try to figure out how The Day of the Batkid could have possibly been any cooler, and land on an answer WB can’t seem to provide; Hawaiian Sledgehammers prove to be terrible tools for street cleaning; McDonalds shares some brilliant life-hacks for their underpaid employees the same week that Wal-Mart gets caught being super-charitable for their employees, the same week a woman turns a case of case of banal homophobia into heartwarming action, the same week a prominent politician, known for drug-testing the poor, gets caught buying cocaine; George Zimmerman proves everybody right, and the Senate somehow cobbles together just enough spine to drop a nuke on itself. Happy Thanksgiving, see you in December.
In which Cort and Bobby try to make George RR Martin feel better about the topic of fan-fiction; the MPAA makes Cort feel bad about trying to watch movies with his kids; The MPAA wants to make kids feel bad about copyright law as part of next year’s curriculum; Costco wants to make everyone feel as good on Thanksgiving as their muffins taste; Rob Ford should maybe stop tasting ANYTHING, and he should definitely stop telling us all about it; Microsoft feels so great about their console they’ve hired man-eating sharks to keep its secrets, and Barack Obama feels bad about being such a butterfingered fumble-bum.
In which Cort almsot scares his neighborhood with his accidental Sasquatch costume, the same year the classic Sasquatch video is finally, utterly debunked; Pope Good Guy keeps piling on the heartwarming feels; Rob Ford makes Canadian political history in a manner so sad it comes back around to being comical; King Tut’s method of death makes the boy king less regal and more Charlie Brown, and Wal-Mart stumbles upon the greatest Black Friday promotional idea since someone came up with the idea of making the day after Thanksgiving a consumer holiday.
In which Cort gets short shrifted, and Bobby declines to attempt arguing a person out of their feelings, only he’s about 15 years too late for it to really matter; Dick Cheney actually resigned as Vice-President back in 2001, no kidding; The President had a nice little infomercial on the White House lawn about his internets; some game developers thought they could get one over on Ellen Page; There are only two things more popular with the American people than the prospect of legal marijuana – and congress is definitely nowhere near the top of that list. In fact, they’re down by the cop famous for pepper-spraying a bunch of UC-Davis students, the cop that just got 38k in compensation after being sad for a year after spraying them.
In which the art of fighting on the internet is examined; Maybe the concept of surrender isn’t so bad compared to drowning in dust from years of beating dead horses – which is a concept congress took it’s sweet time to learn this week; Madonna got banned from a theater after comparing being asked to stop texting during a movie to being literally enslaved; Michael Bay withstood an assualt by a drugged up extortionist with the strength of seven men; Democracy might have faltered this week, but mob rule had both a really bad day and a really good day in Missouri; A couple mobs also got a hell of a day of savings at Wal-Marts in Louisiana; and the EPA got a warm, muffin-filled welcome back to work from Uncle Joe Biden.
In which Cort and Bobby attempt to trade Columbus off of his holiday in return for a historical figure worth celebrating with a national day off – but which historical figure should it be? Dick Cheney gives stand-up comedy a try and it’s as monstrous as you’d think; It’s raining diamonds on Saturn, good thing NASA’s mostly defunded and furloughed; Boehner’s got a real hum-dinger of a debt extension idea; The road to flying cars just got some interesting training wheels; and while Michelle Bachman and Justice Scalia never stopped believing in Santa Claus, luckily the rest of the Supreme Court is looking out for you and your rights to weird sex.
In which Cort and Bobby wish people would spend less time coming up with alternate endings for Breaking Bad, and come up with alternate endings involving their hanging out with Idris Elba; Science discovers which year of your wedded life is statistically the best; A terrible altercation between an SUV and a bike gang makes Facebook introspective; NASA gets a 3D printer into space just one day before 97% of its staff is furloughed thanks to Tuesday’s government shutdown, wherein Ted Cruz is revealed to have had no plan, John Boehner has a pretty devious plan, and Rand Paul sprays his plan all over open CNN mics like an excitable puppy; That was all before a woman tried to drive through the White House. Only a week like this could dwarf the fact Vladimir Putin got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
In which Cort almost got left at the bottom of a well because Bobby has an aversion to phone conversations; A banker accidentally revealed that we were right to think they were heartless sociopaths; Science answers the question “Why do we tell babies we want to eat them up?” with a not so reassuring answer; It’s raining spiders in Texas; A real life Coach Taylor just told football to take a knee in Utah; Bill Gates does philanthropy right, whil Phil Knight takes his inspiration from Brewster’s Millions, and Cory Booker uses both Portland and Twitter the way Captain America uses his shield to prove he’s some freakish sort of political superhero.
In which Cort discovers that nostalgia can be both the mind-killer and the life saver; Internet detectives get shut out of an important case before it even starts; Joe Biden gets shut out of a presidential race before the starting pistol is fired; Breaking Bad proves TV just needed a little meth to loosen some of those standards; Grand Theft Auto V makes more money in one day than some developed countries made in a year, but you wouldn’t know gaming was mainstream in the least if you talked to a gamer about it; A court has to rule on whether the Like button is actually protected free speech; Another staple of 20th century culture turns to dust and blows away, and Starbucks asks that you kindly not stir your frappucino with the barrel of your 9mm.